Spud FM: 2011

Saturday, June 11, 2011

Since I go to school in New York...and live in California...this is something that is constantly annoying me, at least while I'm home. Everyone is so concerned about brand names, about having the best of the best...and you know what?! I'm sick and tired of people judging others by what they have or don't have. It seriously needs to stop. Why can't someone who is poor hang out with someone who is rich? Why is there this constant need for judging people and looking at people differently because of a stupid brand name? When will it stop?

Thursday, March 3, 2011

"Here with Me"- Reality Addiction

I’m goin to write you a letter

I’ll tell you who I am and what I’ve done

I’ve done better

at being someone else most of the time

I never knew about your past

And all the damage that’s been done

Because of that when you look around

You see nothing but a world that has brought you down, brought you down

Would I made it if I hadn’t try so hard

I’ve been standing in this spot for way to long

Chorus:

Maybe I’ll know someday why they left me

Here to stay until then I’ll go crazy

That’s ok cuz I’m here with me

I drew a picture of what my life was like when I was young

Everyone is laughing and playing

It’s sad we all have to grow up sometime

All I wanted was a friend

A hand to hold when things got too be too bad

But you turned around

You walked away so fast I hit the ground

I never thought I would be down here on the floor

Feeling pains I never thought I’d feel before

chorus

so now that I’ve tried

and I’ve waited for you waited for you

I’ll take my time

Chorus x2

I’m missing you face like I’m never going to see you again

What I saw wasnt all and I couldn’t resist

My face dropped and my pulse was stopped

Some ones got to help me back to the top

But why’d we have to go and look so alive
those eyes are smilin bye like a lipstick good bye to me

Its amazing you’d ever like a guy like me

I feel like most of the time I'm just not myself. That I'm just this numb body representation of myself on the outside that doesn't let anything penetrate my surface. And it's weird, I feel that all I know is a world that is difficult for me. Growing up I had the world at my finger tips, in the sense that I could go anywhere and there were endless possibilities. Now it seems like those endless possibilities have become limited. I feel as if I'm just bound to this life like a ball and chain. And I think this song is all about being ok with who you are. That even when everyone else walks out on you, it's ok, because your still there for yourself. That you can always make the situation better by doing something. Plus, it's like, ok, things can't be that bad. I'm still alive and that's enough to be thankful for. And I really look at the verse "I drew a picture of what my life was like when I was young, Everyone was laughing and playing, it's sad we all have to grow up sometimes". I feel like that is so true. It's almost too true. I just want to be happy like I was when I was young.

Monday, February 21, 2011

"Chasing Pavements"- Adele

I've made up my mind,
Don't need to think it over
If I'm wrong, I am right
Don't need to look no further,
This ain't lust
I know this is love
But, if I tell the world
I'll never say enough
'cause it was not said to you
And that's exactly what I need to do
If I end up with you

[Chorus]
Should I give up,
Or should I just keep chasin' pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere
Or would it be a waste
Even if I knew my place
Should I leave it there
Should I give up,
Or should I just keep chasin' pavements
Even if it leads nowhere

I build myself up
And fly around in circles
Waitin' as my heart drops
And my back begins to tingle
Finally, could this be it

[Chorus]
Or should I give up
Or should I just keep chasin' pavements
Even if it leads nowhere
Or would it be a waste
Even if I knew my place
Should I leave it there

Should I give up
Or should I just keep chasin' pavements
Even if it leads nowhere
Or would it be a waste
Even if I knew my place should I leave it there
Should I give up
Or should I just keep on chasin' pavements
Should I just keep no chasin' pavements
Ohh oh

[Chorus x2]

Hey guys, I know that I've haven't been posting daily, but I've just been struggling with a few decisions right now. As you know, I'm currently away at college and right now my health isn't doing really well. So the decision that I now face is whether or not I should withdraw from school. I'm afraid that if I withdraw that I'll never come back...and what kind of life is that. Plus even if I do return to school after my "semester off", I'll be behind of everyone else. And right now that sounds bad. But I guess most of my friends are older anyways. This was just the one thing that I've held onto that was a normal thing everyone does in my life. Maybe I'm just not meant to be "normal"..it's a shame.

Now reflecting on all of this, I suppose it's not bad to be different. When it comes down to it, it's just difficult to be different. This concept starts from an early age when kids single out other kids because they look different or because they act differently due to their upbringing to that point. Then it continues in middle school and high school by teens segregating people by their clothing, actions, and the decisions they make. Now in college, I was so excited that was all behind me. Quickly I found out that wasn't exactly true. Unfortunately in college the segregation is actually just racism, sigmas, and people's naivete. Who is to say this isn't just a small taste of how the real world is?

By people acting differently or not taking the "average" routes in life, you are looked down upon, even to the point of discrimination. It may be completely unfair as well most of the time because it's usually things that you can't simply change, as we once could in elementary school like our clothing.

Maybe not fitting in to the norms of society though could be a good thing. I'm just not sure that I'm "trail blazing" enough to create my own path quite yet. Up to this point, my life has been more or less the average route that I've become accustomed to, or that I was brought up to believe to follow. Even my brother followed this custom and he is much more radical than I am about defying society and the norms that have been put upon us by the government or whoever. This is not to say though that I have not had to do a small portion of trail blazing when it came to all the challenges that my medical situation has caused. Perhaps this is just me being scared of the fact that I've never had to do new trail blazing except for my medical problems and that I don't realize that trail blazing does not = medical issues. As hard as that concept may be to grasp, it's hard since my life right now is being force off route DUE to my medical problems. I kind of half wish that I just had someone else make this decision for me. That way if it turns out good, then everything worked out, but if it turns out bad, then I'd have someone else to blame. Looking back though, I decided to leave twice before, and I do not regret either of those decision. I mean, sure it was a little difficult coming back but, it was all worth it coming back for a healthy semester. By taking those two semesters off, I was able to get one good semester of being healthy. But I can't just keep taking off one whole year and then doing school for a semester.

Hmf. Now you see my predicament. The past 3 weeks have just been be going back and forth between leaving and sticking it out. I think the only reason I'm still even here is because I'm too scared to make the decision to go home because I'm not ready to face the consequences yet. I'm not ready to lose all my friends again. I feel like I've just gotten on my feet with relationships, friends, classes, what I want to do in the future. And now that's all just going to be ripped away from me. Really, when I look at things, I feel/know that I need to go home. I know that I'm just here because I'm scared of change and that this is a big life altering change. I can't let go of this one last thing in my life that my disease hasn't taken away from me yet. I'm trying to hold on to it, but I know some day soon I'm just going to be too tired to hold on any more and I'm just going to have to face it.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

"The Cave"- Mumford & Sons

It's empty in the valley of your heart
The sun, it rises slowly as you walk
Away from all the fears
And all the faults you've left behind

The harvest left no food for you to eat
You cannibal, you meat-eater, you see
But I have seen the same
I know the shame in your defeat

But I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again

Cause I have other things to fill my time
You take what is yours and I'll take mine
Now let me at the truth
Which will refresh my broken mind

So tie me to a post and block my ears
I can see widows and orphans through my tears
I know my call despite my faults
And despite my growing fears

But I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again

So come out of your cave walking on your hands
And see the world hanging upside down
You can understand dependence
When you know the maker's hand

So make your siren's call
And sing all you want
I will not hear what you have to say

Cause I need freedom now
And I need to know how
To live my life as it's meant to be

And I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again

So I was watching the Grammy's today, which is a tradition that I always look forward to every year because I like the preformances and it's really the only way that I'm every going to see most of these artist preform. I literally just heard it and ran to my computer to post this. It just fit my life and what I'm trying to achieve right now. Wow, I just listened to it a second time. Like really this song came at the perfect time in my life. That is why I am so eager to post it.

Because of my disease it just seems like something that is always bringing me down and making my life hard. But right now I'm trying to change that and really look at it in a different light. Be more positive about things. I think my favorite part is when they say,

"So come out of your cave walking on your hands
And see the world hanging upside down
You can understand dependence
When you know the maker's hand"

That verse is just something that I'm really going to have to chew on and think about. But I feel as if I'm stuck in this cave and since my issues are in my legs and cause me to not be able to walk with out pain, this gives me courage to still get out there however I can and it doesn't matter, it'll let me see the world in a new light and even though I have to be dependent on people, it's ok. That I can still make my own decisions and that I'm not a burden.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

"Drifting"- Andy McKee

[instrumental]

Lately I haven't been very inspired by lyrics so I haven't been posting any new songs. But then I realized that I don't necissarily need to have songs with lyrics. A instrumental song and express a feeling as well. So this brilliant song by Andy McKee I chose because I feel like I'm just all over the place lately because I just can't seem to stay in one "state" for a long time. I'm just jumbled everywhere. Not that that is a bad thing. There's just a lot going on right now. Plus this guy is legit amazing. The end.

Friday, February 4, 2011

"Count On Me"- Bruno Mars

If you ever find yourself stuck in the middle of the sea
I'll sail the world to find you
If you ever find yourself lost in the dark and you can't see
I'll be the light to guide you

Find out what we're made of
What we are called to help our friends in need

You can count on me like one, two, three
I'll be there and I know when I need it
I can count on you like four, three, two
And you'll be there 'cause that's what friends
Are supposed to do, oh yeah, ooh, ooh

If you toss and you turn and you just can't fall asleep
I'll sing a song beside you
And if you ever forget how much you really mean to me
Everyday I will remind you

Find out what we're made of
What we are called to help our friends in need

You can count on me like one, two, three
I'll be there and I know when I need it
I can count on you like four, three, two
And you'll be there 'cause that's what friends
Are supposed to do, oh yeah, ooh, ooh, yeah, yeah

You'll always have my shoulder when you cry
I'll never let go, never say goodbye

You can count on me like one, two, three
I'll be there and I know when I need it
I can count on you like four, three, two
And you'll be there 'cause that's what friends
Are supposed to do, oh yeah, ooh, ooh

You can count on me 'cause I can count on you

When the world walks out on you, the people that remain are your friends and family. I have had to go through many set back and challenging times lately. Just this past week alone I have been struggling with my health and deciding whether or not I'm doing what I should be doing right now. I have this inner battle going on between what I WANT to do and what my body will LET me do. The two are very different and unfortunately when it comes down to the wire, my body usually wins. Since my diagnosis of my disease all I've wanted was to be a normal person again; to party like a college student, to travel around the world and experience new things just as my peers around have been doing, to participate in sports or at least physical activity of sorts. But as I've matured with my disease and started to cope with it better, my wants/priorities have changed from the need to be normal, to want of just trying to be a little healthier. I just don't want to be in AS bad of health as I currently am. To be able to make it through the day without having to stop and take a break from exhaustion, to not have to worry about having food and water around constantly in order to take my meds, and to just walk safely from my building to my classes.

One thing I must admit though, is that I have really found out who my real friends are through all of this. During the process of losing friends, it's very difficult. But I know the ones that stick around really "have my back" and will be there for me even when my situation gets worse. I know that they aren't going to walk out on me when I need them the most. These relationships have developed into long lasting ones that I believe will probably, with time, just become even stronger. But I know that I can count on them to be there for me, and the same works for them too :)

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

"Falling Slowly"- Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova

I don't know you
But I want you
All the more for that
Words fall through me
And always fool me
And I can't react
And games that never amount
To more than they're meant
Will play themselves out

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice
You've made it now

Falling slowly, eyes that know me
And I can't go back
Moods that take me and erase me
And I'm painted black
You have suffered enough
And warred with yourself
It's time that you won

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You've made it now

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You've made it now
Falling slowly sing your melody
I'll sing along

Lately I just haven't been finding that song that just hits me over the head and I understand why it's playing. This song I heard about a year ago, and I thought that it was absolutely amazing. Two of my friends did a cover of it together and it sounded SOO good and I was just amazed.

So today I was listening to my iPod and a song came on that had a similar opening to this song and I was so excited because I thought that it was "Falling Slowly", but then it turned out to be another song. But then I went on YouTube and found "Falling Slowly" and have not listened to it probably 20 times in a row.

I think it just speaks about the fact that you wanted this completely huge change in your life because it was so exciting to go out and do something SO different and that was part of the adventure. But now you find that you have started to slowly lose yourself. And you've waited so long to realize this that your just like this broken person barely able to manage and fight your way home. Well, that's how I interrupted to my life as apposed to relating it to a loved one.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

"In Too Deep"- Genesis

All that time I was searching, nowhere to run to, it started me thinking,
Wondering what I could make of my life, and who'd be waiting,
Asking all kinds of questions, to myself, but never finding the answers,
Crying at the top of my voice, and no one listening,
All this time, I still remember everything you said
There's so much you promised, how could I ever forget.

Listen, you know I love you, but I just can't take this,
You know I love you, but I'm playing for keeps,
Although I need you, I'm not gonna make this,
You know I want to, but I'm in too deep.

So listen, listen to me,
Ooh you must believe me,
I can feel your eyes go thru me,
But I don't know why.

Ooh I know you're going, but I can't believe
It's the way that you're leaving,
It's like we never knew each other at all, it may be my fault,
I gave you too many reasons, being alone, when I didn't want to
I thought you'd always be there, I almost believed you,
All this time, I still remember everything you said, oh
There's so much you promised, how could I ever forget.

Listen, you know I love you, but I just can't take this,
You know I love you, but I'm playing for keeps,
Although I need you, I'm not gonna make this,
You know I want to, but I'm in too deep.

So listen, listen to me,
I can feel your eyes go thru me

It seems I've spent too long
Only thinking about myself - oh
Now I want to spend my life
Just caring bout somebody else.

Listen, you know I love you, but I just can't take this,
You know I love you, but I'm playing for keeps,
Although I need you, I'm not gonna make this,
You know I want to, but I'm in too deep.

You know I love you, but I just can't take this,
You know I love you, but I'm playing for keeps,
Although I need you, I'm not gonna make this,
You know I want to, but I'm in too deep...

I'm not really sure 100% why this is the song I chose for today. I think it really spoke to me because this is the kind of relationship I have with God right now. Sometimes I really feel like there's no one out there who's listening to me. When I cry, there's no one to comfort my pain, when I celebrate, there's no one there to cheer with me. I just really want there to be someone to hear me for me.

He died for my sins, and for me to live a eternal life next to Him. Those are the promises He's made us. And all of that is always in the back of my head. That He did this for me. But if we have this amazing life ahead of us, why do we all fear death so much. Everything will be so much better up there.

What are the "deal breakers" for God? I don't understand why certain Christians believe that being gay is one of those deal breakers? Doesn't God teach us to love everyone? God accepted everyone and loved everyone saying "those who believe in me shall not perish". So people who are gay are completely able to believe. What about people who get divorced? They are no longer allowed in the same heaven as you and me? I'm just curious.

Sometimes, shoot a fare majority of the time, I feel like I'm being punished for something that I did. Why do I have this disease that causes me to be in so much pain? Why does everyone else get to do all the "normal" things that typical college students get to do? I just feel like sometimes I am too deep into my pain to believe that there is someone "upstairs". I don't think necessarily it's because I no longer believe, rather than it's easier for me to pretend like there isn't anyone "up there" because if there is, that means He is putting me through this pain and not doing anything about it...

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

"Keep Holding On"- Boyce Avenue (Originally by Avril Lavigne)

You're not alone
Together we stand
I'll be by your side
You know I'll take your hand

When it gets cold
And it feels like the end
There's no place to go
You know I won't give in
No, I won't give in

Keep holding on
Cause you know I'll make it through,
I'll make it through
Just stay strong
cause you'll know I'm here for you,
I'm here for you

There's nothing you can say
Nothing you can do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
Cause you know I'll make it through,
I'll make it through

So far away
I wish you were here
Before it's too late
This could all disappear

Before the doors close
And it comes to an end
With you by my side
I will fight and defend
I'll fight and defend
(Yeah, yeah)

Keep holding on
Cause you know I'll make it through,
I'll make it through
Just stay strong
cause you'll know I'm here for you,
I'm here for you

There's nothing you can say
Nothing you can do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
Cause you know I'll make it through,
I'll make it through

I think through life we've all felt alone before. And in this song it talks about how there are always people that you can count on who will be there for you and who truly love you. It's difficult because I live bi coastal, so my family and close friends that I've grow up with are all on the west coast, and when I go to school on the east coast, it's difficult to go through medical procedures and just having a challenging time when your alone. That's one of the worse feelings emotionally when you have to go to a serious doctor appointment alone. You feel like no one cares about you. But it's understandable I suppose. At what line do you draw who can help you. I know that sounds funny but let me explain. You know as a child you were growing up and your parents "had" to take care of you. It was just kinda their job. Well when you grow up and leave the house, you create a "new" kind of family. A family made of close friends. But the thing is, as much as I appreciate them, and really do want them there with me, it's kind of weird because I feel bad that they need to go out of their way. That I intrude or burden them.

This next semester will be really interesting because I have only let one of my friends like that and she graduated this past semester. SO now it's time to be a big girl again and go through it alone again. Plus it doesn't help that I know this next semester is going to be brutal because it will be probably be the worse winter on the east coast in my four years away at school. The past winters were not terrible, but at the same time, it was different getting used to walking to class in the snow. And the cold really affects my medical situation. So right now, I'm running around trying to get warm clothes to take back with me because this winter is going to be a whole other experience.

I'm going to do my best to stay strong and make it through this winter. I really hope I can. The past ones were difficult. And I didn't even make it through one of the winters before.

I choose the Boyce Avenue cover of this song just because I really feel like it speaks more to how I'm feeling being an acoustic song. The Avril Lavigne version is a little to punk for how I'm feeling. Anyways, enjoy.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

"Rain Don't Last"- Hope

Mmmm... Mmm... oohhmmm...
Could it be the world's gone colder?
Baby, I'm a losing soul
The more I try it just gets harder
And my pain is getting old
Somebody said that nothing lasts forever
Just the storm so I've been told
But it seems that when it rains it pours

CHORUS
And you know the rain won't last forever
And you know the storm won't always flow
But if the sun don't shine forever
You gotta let it go

2ND VERSE
Sometimes my burdens get so heavy
And it seems too hard to bear

Sometimes I feel so empty
And it feels like no one's there
Somebody said that nothing lasts forever
Just the storm so I've been told
But it seems that when it rains it pours

CHORUS x 2
And you know the rain won't last forever
And you know the storm won't always flow
But if the sun don't shine forever
You gotta let it go

And you gotta let it go...
And you gotta let it go...
Mmmm... Mmm... oohhmmm...

Have you ever realized that when one bad thing happens to you, the world just seems to dump even more problems on you? The main reason for this post is mainly for the first verse.

Baby, I'm a losing soul
The more I try it just gets harder
And my pain is getting old

I just feel that no matter how are I try sometimes, no matter how positive and optimistic I am, things always just get worse. And when she sings, "and my pain is getting old", that is exactly how I feel. I'm just so tired of being knocked down, and being in pain for so long that I just want to know what it feels like again to not be in pain. With my medical situation, it just seems like most of the time that is a childish dream that is unattainable. I guess somethings are just not in the cards for me. I just wish and used to pray all the time to not be in pain anymore...and at this point, I still want that, I just tired of trying. Tired of working so hard, and going through countless trial procedures to even try anymore. I just want a break from hospitals, from doctors and from procedures and treatments. I tired of getting pricked by a needle all the time. I'm tired of being let down by a treatment/procedure that didn't work. I'm tired of not being able to live a normal life. I'm tired of having this medical situation that other people don't have to deal with.

The chorus sounds just like my friends. "Everything will get better some day, it has to." Or "maybe this treatment will be the one that works". Maybe this is just something that I have to let go. I just need to release the tension of having this weigh me down. It's so difficult though to just pretend as if it's not there. This is something that I have to deal with and cope with every day. Haha, if only my medical situation was as easy as rain, and I could just put on rain boots, and a waterproof jacket on and continue living...if only.