"In Too Deep"- Genesis

All that time I was searching, nowhere to run to, it started me thinking,
Wondering what I could make of my life, and who'd be waiting,
Asking all kinds of questions, to myself, but never finding the answers,
Crying at the top of my voice, and no one listening,
All this time, I still remember everything you said
There's so much you promised, how could I ever forget.

Listen, you know I love you, but I just can't take this,
You know I love you, but I'm playing for keeps,
Although I need you, I'm not gonna make this,
You know I want to, but I'm in too deep.

So listen, listen to me,
Ooh you must believe me,
I can feel your eyes go thru me,
But I don't know why.

Ooh I know you're going, but I can't believe
It's the way that you're leaving,
It's like we never knew each other at all, it may be my fault,
I gave you too many reasons, being alone, when I didn't want to
I thought you'd always be there, I almost believed you,
All this time, I still remember everything you said, oh
There's so much you promised, how could I ever forget.

Listen, you know I love you, but I just can't take this,
You know I love you, but I'm playing for keeps,
Although I need you, I'm not gonna make this,
You know I want to, but I'm in too deep.

So listen, listen to me,
I can feel your eyes go thru me

It seems I've spent too long
Only thinking about myself - oh
Now I want to spend my life
Just caring bout somebody else.

Listen, you know I love you, but I just can't take this,
You know I love you, but I'm playing for keeps,
Although I need you, I'm not gonna make this,
You know I want to, but I'm in too deep.

You know I love you, but I just can't take this,
You know I love you, but I'm playing for keeps,
Although I need you, I'm not gonna make this,
You know I want to, but I'm in too deep...

I'm not really sure 100% why this is the song I chose for today. I think it really spoke to me because this is the kind of relationship I have with God right now. Sometimes I really feel like there's no one out there who's listening to me. When I cry, there's no one to comfort my pain, when I celebrate, there's no one there to cheer with me. I just really want there to be someone to hear me for me.

He died for my sins, and for me to live a eternal life next to Him. Those are the promises He's made us. And all of that is always in the back of my head. That He did this for me. But if we have this amazing life ahead of us, why do we all fear death so much. Everything will be so much better up there.

What are the "deal breakers" for God? I don't understand why certain Christians believe that being gay is one of those deal breakers? Doesn't God teach us to love everyone? God accepted everyone and loved everyone saying "those who believe in me shall not perish". So people who are gay are completely able to believe. What about people who get divorced? They are no longer allowed in the same heaven as you and me? I'm just curious.

Sometimes, shoot a fare majority of the time, I feel like I'm being punished for something that I did. Why do I have this disease that causes me to be in so much pain? Why does everyone else get to do all the "normal" things that typical college students get to do? I just feel like sometimes I am too deep into my pain to believe that there is someone "upstairs". I don't think necessarily it's because I no longer believe, rather than it's easier for me to pretend like there isn't anyone "up there" because if there is, that means He is putting me through this pain and not doing anything about it...