"In Too Deep"- Genesis

All that time I was searching, nowhere to run to, it started me thinking,
Wondering what I could make of my life, and who'd be waiting,
Asking all kinds of questions, to myself, but never finding the answers,
Crying at the top of my voice, and no one listening,
All this time, I still remember everything you said
There's so much you promised, how could I ever forget.

Listen, you know I love you, but I just can't take this,
You know I love you, but I'm playing for keeps,
Although I need you, I'm not gonna make this,
You know I want to, but I'm in too deep.

So listen, listen to me,
Ooh you must believe me,
I can feel your eyes go thru me,
But I don't know why.

Ooh I know you're going, but I can't believe
It's the way that you're leaving,
It's like we never knew each other at all, it may be my fault,
I gave you too many reasons, being alone, when I didn't want to
I thought you'd always be there, I almost believed you,
All this time, I still remember everything you said, oh
There's so much you promised, how could I ever forget.

Listen, you know I love you, but I just can't take this,
You know I love you, but I'm playing for keeps,
Although I need you, I'm not gonna make this,
You know I want to, but I'm in too deep.

So listen, listen to me,
I can feel your eyes go thru me

It seems I've spent too long
Only thinking about myself - oh
Now I want to spend my life
Just caring bout somebody else.

Listen, you know I love you, but I just can't take this,
You know I love you, but I'm playing for keeps,
Although I need you, I'm not gonna make this,
You know I want to, but I'm in too deep.

You know I love you, but I just can't take this,
You know I love you, but I'm playing for keeps,
Although I need you, I'm not gonna make this,
You know I want to, but I'm in too deep...

I'm not really sure 100% why this is the song I chose for today. I think it really spoke to me because this is the kind of relationship I have with God right now. Sometimes I really feel like there's no one out there who's listening to me. When I cry, there's no one to comfort my pain, when I celebrate, there's no one there to cheer with me. I just really want there to be someone to hear me for me.

He died for my sins, and for me to live a eternal life next to Him. Those are the promises He's made us. And all of that is always in the back of my head. That He did this for me. But if we have this amazing life ahead of us, why do we all fear death so much. Everything will be so much better up there.

What are the "deal breakers" for God? I don't understand why certain Christians believe that being gay is one of those deal breakers? Doesn't God teach us to love everyone? God accepted everyone and loved everyone saying "those who believe in me shall not perish". So people who are gay are completely able to believe. What about people who get divorced? They are no longer allowed in the same heaven as you and me? I'm just curious.

Sometimes, shoot a fare majority of the time, I feel like I'm being punished for something that I did. Why do I have this disease that causes me to be in so much pain? Why does everyone else get to do all the "normal" things that typical college students get to do? I just feel like sometimes I am too deep into my pain to believe that there is someone "upstairs". I don't think necessarily it's because I no longer believe, rather than it's easier for me to pretend like there isn't anyone "up there" because if there is, that means He is putting me through this pain and not doing anything about it...

"Keep Holding On"- Boyce Avenue (Originally by Avril Lavigne)

You're not alone
Together we stand
I'll be by your side
You know I'll take your hand

When it gets cold
And it feels like the end
There's no place to go
You know I won't give in
No, I won't give in

Keep holding on
Cause you know I'll make it through,
I'll make it through
Just stay strong
cause you'll know I'm here for you,
I'm here for you

There's nothing you can say
Nothing you can do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
Cause you know I'll make it through,
I'll make it through

So far away
I wish you were here
Before it's too late
This could all disappear

Before the doors close
And it comes to an end
With you by my side
I will fight and defend
I'll fight and defend
(Yeah, yeah)

Keep holding on
Cause you know I'll make it through,
I'll make it through
Just stay strong
cause you'll know I'm here for you,
I'm here for you

There's nothing you can say
Nothing you can do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
Cause you know I'll make it through,
I'll make it through

I think through life we've all felt alone before. And in this song it talks about how there are always people that you can count on who will be there for you and who truly love you. It's difficult because I live bi coastal, so my family and close friends that I've grow up with are all on the west coast, and when I go to school on the east coast, it's difficult to go through medical procedures and just having a challenging time when your alone. That's one of the worse feelings emotionally when you have to go to a serious doctor appointment alone. You feel like no one cares about you. But it's understandable I suppose. At what line do you draw who can help you. I know that sounds funny but let me explain. You know as a child you were growing up and your parents "had" to take care of you. It was just kinda their job. Well when you grow up and leave the house, you create a "new" kind of family. A family made of close friends. But the thing is, as much as I appreciate them, and really do want them there with me, it's kind of weird because I feel bad that they need to go out of their way. That I intrude or burden them.

This next semester will be really interesting because I have only let one of my friends like that and she graduated this past semester. SO now it's time to be a big girl again and go through it alone again. Plus it doesn't help that I know this next semester is going to be brutal because it will be probably be the worse winter on the east coast in my four years away at school. The past winters were not terrible, but at the same time, it was different getting used to walking to class in the snow. And the cold really affects my medical situation. So right now, I'm running around trying to get warm clothes to take back with me because this winter is going to be a whole other experience.

I'm going to do my best to stay strong and make it through this winter. I really hope I can. The past ones were difficult. And I didn't even make it through one of the winters before.

I choose the Boyce Avenue cover of this song just because I really feel like it speaks more to how I'm feeling being an acoustic song. The Avril Lavigne version is a little to punk for how I'm feeling. Anyways, enjoy.

"Rain Don't Last"- Hope

Mmmm... Mmm... oohhmmm...
Could it be the world's gone colder?
Baby, I'm a losing soul
The more I try it just gets harder
And my pain is getting old
Somebody said that nothing lasts forever
Just the storm so I've been told
But it seems that when it rains it pours

CHORUS
And you know the rain won't last forever
And you know the storm won't always flow
But if the sun don't shine forever
You gotta let it go

2ND VERSE
Sometimes my burdens get so heavy
And it seems too hard to bear

Sometimes I feel so empty
And it feels like no one's there
Somebody said that nothing lasts forever
Just the storm so I've been told
But it seems that when it rains it pours

CHORUS x 2
And you know the rain won't last forever
And you know the storm won't always flow
But if the sun don't shine forever
You gotta let it go

And you gotta let it go...
And you gotta let it go...
Mmmm... Mmm... oohhmmm...

Have you ever realized that when one bad thing happens to you, the world just seems to dump even more problems on you? The main reason for this post is mainly for the first verse.

Baby, I'm a losing soul
The more I try it just gets harder
And my pain is getting old

I just feel that no matter how are I try sometimes, no matter how positive and optimistic I am, things always just get worse. And when she sings, "and my pain is getting old", that is exactly how I feel. I'm just so tired of being knocked down, and being in pain for so long that I just want to know what it feels like again to not be in pain. With my medical situation, it just seems like most of the time that is a childish dream that is unattainable. I guess somethings are just not in the cards for me. I just wish and used to pray all the time to not be in pain anymore...and at this point, I still want that, I just tired of trying. Tired of working so hard, and going through countless trial procedures to even try anymore. I just want a break from hospitals, from doctors and from procedures and treatments. I tired of getting pricked by a needle all the time. I'm tired of being let down by a treatment/procedure that didn't work. I'm tired of not being able to live a normal life. I'm tired of having this medical situation that other people don't have to deal with.

The chorus sounds just like my friends. "Everything will get better some day, it has to." Or "maybe this treatment will be the one that works". Maybe this is just something that I have to let go. I just need to release the tension of having this weigh me down. It's so difficult though to just pretend as if it's not there. This is something that I have to deal with and cope with every day. Haha, if only my medical situation was as easy as rain, and I could just put on rain boots, and a waterproof jacket on and continue living...if only.